am i the worst possible version of myself

TLDR: lowkey

I came across a tiktok a few months ago that said that if you are 18-20 you are the worst possible version of yourself. And honestly, thank God. Thank God it’s not going to be like this forever. Thank God I’m not going to be like this forever.

I’m back home for the holidays and I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting. Being home has given me what i call ‘post-semester’ clarity. At home, i’m not a student who can do whatever they want whenever they want. At home, I spend most of my time sitting with myself, my thoughts, and my actions. And all I’ve been able to think is “What am i doing?”

I came home feeling so detached from myself while simultaneously having no idea who i was anymore. I feel like so many of my choices have been out of character but I have no idea how to come back to myself. How do you come back to a self that isn’t fully formed?

The past semester has put me in the most insane situations and seen me make the worst possible decisions in those situations. Okay, maybe I’m being a bit dramatic but really it’s been rough.

One day, i feel as though i’ve cracked the code and the next day i know nothing except that yesterday i was wrong.

I feel like i have flopped every trial and tribulation which has come my way. My heart and my head both scream at me begging for my attention and as i decide to ignore both and instead go with my impulses. Except i’m 19 without a fully developed frontal lobe and so those impulses are not exactly the greatest ideas.

They say the frontal lobe is the last part of the brain to develop. It can take up until 25 to fully develop and with it comes impulse control, better decision making and planning and other important functions. So basically, I’m fucked—at least for now.

Sometimes I find myself wanting to make well thought out decisions and think with my future self in mind and i start to think, “is this her. the elusive frontal lobe in action”. Then a week later i’m procrastinating my work and making regrettable decisions and it’s like she was never there.

I think back to my relationships—particularly my friendships— and how they’ve changed over the past year or so and i cringe. As hard as i try to be good to others, i have made flop after flop and i wish i could do some of it all over but i can’t.

That is the worst part of being this age. Hindsight is 20/20 and i wish i could do it all over but get it right this time. But, i can’t.

I am PRAYING that this is the worst I will ever be because at least then there’s hope of growth at the end of all of it. Because honestly I do feel like i’m regressing. Nothing is black and white; i never know what to do; and it’s all a mess.