don't define yourself

having a fluctuating temperature-d authentically human lifetime

When i found out Mitski was releasing her 7th album ‘ The Land is Inhospitable and So Are We’, I was overjoyed. I felt like I was going to explode because I LOVE MITSKI.

She’s such an incredible artist and her work connects with me on an intense level. The way her music composition and lyrics match, even if it requires the song to be unconventional. The way she performes her music. I love it.¹

But when she released her first song on the album "Bug Like An Angel” I found myself deeply anxious about what i would do if i didn’t like it. Mitski was kind of my brand. So, what would i do if i didn’t like her newest song—or worse, what if i didn’t like the album. How could I show my face after considering myself ‘a mitski girl’ just to not love every second of every song she’s ever released.

please tell me this is not a unique experience.

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What i realised upon reflection was that this was not healthy. Liking something does not mean i needed to consider my identity intertwined with it. And i also realised sentiment was everywhere. Everywhere i turn its “it girl” this or “everyone is either an x/y/z” that.

We’re a generation raised on Buzzfeed quizzes. We were constantly being profiled based off our favourite desserts or the house we designed. No wonder why we’re so fixated on labeling and categorising ourselves. We are so obsessed with knowing, and showing who we think we are (or who we want t be perceived as) that we’ve forgotten about just being.

I quickly realised this was the root of my perpetual identity crises. I wanted to put myself in a clear cut box—to formulate a stock character out of by likes and dislikes. When i couldn’t find one where i could fit all of me I assumed there was something wrong. If i couldn’t take my likes, desires, passions and define them, and if i couldn’t add it all up and divide it to find the average; then maybe there was too much of me.

I know i’m not the only one who feels this way. And i also know you can see that this line of thinking is destructive to one’s self worth . We attach arbitrary descriptors to ourselves and think that this is our identity and when we stray from these boxes that are so difficult to remain in we then think we’re broken.

But the thing is, there can never be too much of you. Being a single entity overflowing with contradictions and inconsistencies is what makes us human.

I want to add that there is nothing wrong with a liking a particular style or having a vision for the kind of life you want to live. What’s important is that you understand that you can never fit perfectly into a single box. In fact, there is no number of boxes that can perfectly describe a person because we are so much more than the sum of our parts².

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Okay, so now what? I’ve had this huge epiphany but i still feel the way i do. How do i stop clinging to the image i’m constantly chasing and the definition i so clearly crave?

While there’s no denying this desire exists deep within us all, we cannot allow ourselves to become slaves to this self destructive and unnatural desire. We need to fight the desire to define.

Actively refuse to participate in trends where you categorise and restrict yourself because you are a person. identity is so elusive and we need to let it be that way. If we treat identity like something which can be described in a phrase we are distancing ourselves from who we really and truly are.

So no, I will not be searching ‘my name’ + ‘core’ on pinterest to find my aesthetic. No I am neitheir an ‘okokokok’ nor a ‘lalalalalala’ girl. Don’t ask me to describe myself in three words.

I am comitting myself to existing and being outside of what can be clearly defined and identified. Join me.

1. I did in fact get caught up in fangirling in this paragraph

2. corny and cliché i know but it’s true