Have I peaked?

gay son or flop daughter

I look at my subscriber count and Substack stats every day. There, I admitted it. I know I said I was writing for myself, but the temptation is hard to ignore. Stats are not reflective of my worth or even my skill as a writer. I’ve said it myself before

“An essay is good because I am proud of it or because i’ve put work into it, not because of uncontrollable factors like likes or comments”

- from my essay ‘letting go of the pressure to be great’

There are too many external factors unrelated to skill that go into subscriber count and other stats. Sometimes the algorithm isn’t in your favour, other times people read from their emails or don’t have anything to comment. But still, I can’t ignore the fact that the stats are readily available for me to analyse and reflect on. It’s hard to not use them as a marker of success. And it’s also hard not to compare yourself to others. I’m going to be completely honest and say that I really wish I had better numbers. I’m sorry, but it’s true. I feel like I used to have much better engagement with my work, and I miss it. I took it for granted. But I guess that’s what happened when you set external validation as a standard. It’s never enough

What happened to ‘posting for yourself’

I wonder a lot about why my engagement has suddenly dropped. Is my work getting worse? Am I writing about irrelevant topics? I know I committed myself to posting for myself, but it’s hard not to notice these things. I am posting note after note into the void and speaking to myself in my subscribers’ chat¹.

I still do write mainly for myself, but I can’t help but feel like I’m doing something wrong and letting my subscribers down if they aren’t interacting with my work. Still, I have to remember I don’t necessarily leave comments on everything I read, nor do I read every post from every publication I’m subscribed to. So how can I expect that from you?

If a tree falls and no one is there to hear it

Is there a point to a blog that no one interacts with? Honestly, I think there is. I love to write, and writing for my blog has so many benefits for my personal growth. And it’s not like no one at all is interacting. And I can’t take those who do interact for granted. I think what I really feel is missing isn’t an audience because a tree doesn’t depend on its audience to determine whether or not it has fallen. What I am writing still matters regardless of whether people are reading it because it matters to me, and it impacts me. What I really feel like I’m missing is community. I joined Substack not only to share my writing but to engage with other writers and have them engage with me. But what I need to remember is that I still am reaping benefits simply by writing this blog, even if I’m not getting everything I want out of it. I’m writing more consistently. I’m making art, and that matters.

The audience will come

To answer my own question, no, I have not peaked. Sometimes you need to write and write and write while trusting that the audience will come. And if it hasn’t yet, it shouldn’t matter anyway. What matters more than anything is that I’m writing. I am doing what I love, and I will continue to do that even if it’s just for my current and future self to enjoy. The art of creating is more important than what comes of it. I am creating, and that is what matters.

Still, the numbers are there, and they haunt me. But I am writing regardless.

1. which you should definitely join